Dave Barry reads 50 Shades of Gray

Fifty Shades of Grey  - E.L. James I'll Mature When I'm Dead: Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood - Dave Barry

I did not know that I had a hole in my life shaped exactly like Davy Barry's critical reading of 50 Shades. I am now complete. Thank you, Dave. Namaste.


Many pages go by in this book without any of It getting done, although there is a great deal of thinking and talking about It. The thoughts are provided by the narrator and main character, Anastasia Steele, who is a twenty-one-year-old American woman as well as such a clueless, self-absorbed ninny that you, the reader, find yourself wishing that you still smoked so you would have a cigarette lighter handy and thus could set fire to certain pages, especially the ones where Anastasia is telling you about her “inner goddess.” This is a hyperactive imaginary being—I keep picturing Tinker Bell—who reacts in a variety of ways to the many dramatic developments in Anastasia’s life, as we see in these actual quotes:

“My inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.”

“My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”

“My inner goddess is doing the Dance of Seven Veils.”

“My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

“My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, mouth open and drooling slightly.”

“My inner goddess jumps up and down, with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting ‘Yes’ at me.”

“My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.”

“My inner goddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.”

“My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.”